My Upsetting Experience:

A moment when I felt frustrated was during my RCM Level 10 piano exam. I had been preparing for this exam for over a year, so I had extremely high expectations for myself. My first piece on the repertoire list was my list A, “Prelude and Fugue in B flat major” by Bach, because it was the one I was most confident with. However, I was very nervous, and in the very first bar I had a false start (playing the entirely wrong notes). I got very tense and felt like this was foreshadowing the quality of the rest of the piece (and all the other pieces). I was able to play through the rest of the Prelude, but not without some very large memory slips, wherein I couldn’t remember entire runs. Now, the memory of my playing is fairly clouded, because everything was a nervous blur. When the prelude was finished, I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself before I started the Fugue (which, thankfully, went a lot better). 

After the exam, I was really frustrated with myself for my performance of my list A. I had been preparing this particular piece of music for a long time, and was expecting to have a more flawless performance. 

 

Connections to Articles:

In the article “Failure Is Hard, But Learning Is Easy,” David Gorman says “If we think about for a moment now, would it not be extremely interesting if you do find yourself approaching it differently and it really turns out to be a different experience?” I think this relates to my experience, as my frustration is rooted in my fixation on perfection. I need to examine my faults not as something to be angry at, but as an opportunity for growth.

Another point Gordan makes is that negative thoughts become “a circle — a seamless circle. There is no way out of it as long as you stay within that construct’s framework. My negative thoughts about my performance of the prelude will only impede on my learning process, and stop me from trying to improve. I can’t expect perfection, but have to face reality and move on. The exam is in the past, and there is no reason to dwell on it.

Gordan talks about the idea that not everything goes ideally. There are many different elements in any situation that are happening simultaneously. He elaborates by giving an example: “I am holding this ideal in an ongoing way. At the same time, reality is showing itself in an on-going way to be different than my should-be idea.” This connects to my situation as I often feel like I need to be in control - I want the keys to sound a certain way, the bench to be a good height. But some things are out of my control, and I can’t continually blame myself for these factors. Moreso, I have to accept that my performance won’t be the ideal, perfect one in my head.

Babette Lightner writes about one’s internal compass in her article. She gives an analogy using a rainy day, and argues that “The root of the ‘bad’ feeling is the no-longer-accurate construct you have of rain based on the terrible experience in a storm.” This connects to my examination, as the frustration about my performance was rooted in my need for perfection - not in the examination circumstance. I need to reexamine how I feel about performances, the anxiety I get from them, and frustration when I make mistakes. I need to accept that my reality will not be perfect, so that I can reconstruct my feelings about performances and assessments.